Separation Anxiety in Babies and Children
So this morning, I'm rushing around like a headless chicken this morning, trying to get my butt out the door for work. Suddenly, my little munchkin turns into a human barnacle (for the lack of a better word), latched onto my leg for dear life. She's giving me the puppy dog eyes, lower lip quivering like she's auditioning for a soap opera. "Mama, no go!" she says. Talk about a guilt trip, right?
I'm thinking, "Geez, Amirah, you're killing me here!" But I squat down, probably flashing the neighbors (note to self: buy longer robes) and give her a massive mama bear hug. "Listen beta (Hindi for little one), how about we pinky promise on ice cream and some shopping (for lollies and chips) when I get back?" Her face lights up like I just told her we're moving to the Chocolate Factory.
As I am walking to the elevator, I hear her chattering to her stuffed animals about our grand plans. It's wild how fast their moods can flip, but that's the deal with separation anxiety. One minute it's tears and drama, the next it's giggles and excitement. Sure, these goodbyes can be tough, but they're teaching moments too. We're both learning - she's figuring out that it's okay when I leave because I always come back, and I'm learning how to make our separations smoother.
It's like emotional weightlifting for both of us. Who knew parenting would give me muscles I didn't even know I had? Just like me, you've probably experienced that heart-wrenching moment when your child clings to you, crying as you try to leave. This common scenario is a sign of separation anxiety. Let's talk about what separation anxiety is, why and when it happens and how you can help your child through it.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a developmental stage where a child experiences distress when separated from their parents or caregivers. It's a sign that your child has formed a healthy attachment to you and is learning about object permanence – the understanding that things and people continue to exist even when they can't be seen.
What are the symptoms of separation anxiety?
Crying when you leave the room
Clinging to you when you try to leave
Refusing to go to sleep without you nearby
Waking up during the night and calling for you
Showing distress when left with unfamiliar people
While it can be challenging for both parents and children, it's important to remember that separation anxiety is a NORMAL and HEALTHY part of child development.
What causes separation anxiety in children?
It can happen because of many many factors. Let’s list these down:
Brain Development
As your baby’s brain is developing, they are beginning to understand that you can leave (oh yes its a thing), but they cannot yet fully grasp that you'll (always) come back. This realization can be quite frightening for them.
Attachment Formation
Separation anxiety is actually a sign of a strong, healthy bond between you and your baby. It shows that your child feels safe and secure with you and is not sure about being away from that safety.
Lack of Object Permanence
Your child has not yet mastered the concept that things continue to exist when out of sight. For them, when you leave, you cease to exist, which can be terrifying as we can imagine.
Environmental Changes
New situations or changes in routine can trigger anxiety. This could look like starting daycare, moving to a new home or the arrival of a new sibling. Basically anything that is “separating’ you from your baby.
Temperament
Some children are naturally more anxious or sensitive than others and may experience more intense separation anxiety.
Learned Behavior
If a child's anxiety has been reinforced in the past (example, if you have rushed back at the first sign of distress), they may have learned that displaying anxiety will bring you back.
When Does Separation Anxiety Typically Occur?
6-8 months: Babies start showing signs of separation anxiety around this time as they get their bearings. This typically coincides with their developing understanding of object permanence.
12-18 months: Brace yourself because separation anxiety typically peaks during this period. Toddlers are becoming more aware of their surroundings but still lack the cognitive skills to understand the temporary nature of separation.
2-3 years: Some toddlers experience a resurgence of separation anxiety. This can be due to increased independence and awareness of potential dangers.
4-5 years: Anxiety may resurface as children start school. The new environment and extended separation sometimes triggers anxiety.
Later childhood and adolescence: Although less common, some children experience separation anxiety at later ages, particularly if there have been stressful life events or changes.
How to deal with separation anxiety in children?
You are going to practice short separations. What does that mean? Peek-a-boo is a great place to start, and early. Leave the room for a few minutes while they're in a safe space, then return with a the biggest smile and happiest voice.
Keep your goodbyes brief, short, minimal! You can turn this into a short routine. A consistent, brief goodbye routine provides comfort and predictability. This could be a special handshake, a specific phrase - “I love you, see you later, gator”, followed by a quick hug and kiss.
I cannot stress this one enough. Return on Time! Always return when you say you will to build trust. This helps your child understand that separations are temporary and you mean what you say.
You gotta stay calm & positive alright! Your child picks up on your emotions. Remain calm and reassuring during goodbyes. If you seem anxious or upset, it can and will increase your child's distress. They really pick up on emotions faster thank you think.
Give them a favorite toy or blanket that can offer security in your absence. These transitional but amazing objects can provide a sense of comfort and connection to home and more importantly YOU. C’mon their whole entire world revolves around YOU.
You’ve gotta avoid sneaking out: Yes I get it, that it might seem easier to leave while your they are distracted, this can really backfire, and how! Think increased anxiety and mistrust in the long run. Always say goodbye.
Prepare: Talk about upcoming separations in advance. For older children, discuss where you're going, when you'll return and who will care for them in your absence.
When starting daycare or school, gradually increase the time away. Start with short periods and slowly extend them as your they becomes more comfortable.
Use Positive Reinforcement: Praise them for brave behavior during separations. This can encourage more of the same in the future.
Didn’t I mention this already? Here it is again so you do not forget. Keep Your Goodbyes Short and Sweet. Long goodbyes heighten anxiety. Keep them short and positive.
Validate please. Acknowledge their feelings without overreacting. You can say, "I know you feel sad when I leave and that's okay. I'll always come back."
Stick to routines as much as possible. Predictability helps reduce anxiety.
Dealing with a child's separation anxiety can be stressful, trust me I know. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too, so you can be at your best for your child.
Motivate and encourage your child's sense of independence by allowing them to make age-appropriate choices and solve simple problems on their own. Don’t always jump in to solve things for them. Give them a little time to sort it by themselves. This is probably the most important skill you can teach them.
There are so many children's books that address separation anxiety. Reading these together can help normalize your child's feelings and provide coping strategies. One that I read often is “Llama Llama Red Pyjama”.
Dealing with Nighttime Separation Anxiety
Start by establishing a consistent bedtime routine. A predictable sequence of events leading up to bedtime provides comfort and security. Kids thrive on routine ladies! If your child needs you to stay until they fall asleep, you are then going to gradually increase your distance over time. You’re gonna start by sitting on the bed, then move to a chair close by, then to the doorway and eventually out of the room. Slowly and gradually, and not giving them shocks. You are gonna wanna get a night light. A soft light will reduce fear of the dark. Let them sleep with a favorite stuffed animal or blanket (make sure you are following safe sleep guidelines please). No loose items until your baby is at least 18 months old. And finally create a check-in system. Promise to check on your child at regular intervals and DO IT!. Slowly increase the time between check-ins.
When to call in the professionals?
Look, let's get real about this separation anxiety thing. It's totally normal for kids to go through this stage - it's not just your kid being a drama queen, I promise!
But here's the deal, if your little one is freaking out hardcore or it's messing with your daily life big time, you might wanna chat with a doctor. Here are some red flags to keep an eye out for:
Your baby is still losing their mind over you leaving way past the age range
They're having full-on meltdowns or panic attacks when you try to leave
They're pulling the "I'm too sick for school" card way too often because they're scared to be away from you
Suddenly they are showing physical symptoms like "my tummy hurts" or "my head's killing me" every time you're about to head out
They're constantly freaking out that you're gonna disappear or something bad's gonna happen to you
If you're nodding your head to any of this, it might be time to call in the pros. Don't stress - sometimes kids need a little extra help figuring out this whole separation anxiety. We've all been there, am I right? I know I have been, at least that’s what my mother tells me.
Look, I get it. This separation anxiety thing? It's a wild ride, but you're not stuck on it forever. All those tricks we talked about? They're like your arsenal to help your child become the confident little human they're meant to be.
I know it feels like this clingy phase is never-ending. Trust me, I've been there - it's like watching paint dry, but with more tears. But here's the thing: it will pass. Keep loving, stay patient (even when you want to pull your hair out) and keep at it.
Here's a little nugget of wisdom to chew on: your kid freaking out when you leave actually means you're nailing this parenting thing. You've built such a strong connection that they think you're the best thing since sliced bread. Go figure, right?
Give it time. That little velcro baby of yours? They'll soon be too busy exploring the world to even notice you're gone. They'll carry your love with them like a invisible shield, ready to tackle whatever comes their way. I almost had tears writing this, this hit deep.
So yes, hang in there ok. You're doing amazing, even when it feels like you're starring in a daily drama every time you try to leave the house. This too shall pass, and probably quicker than you think!
If you have reached here, I must be on to something right. I am happy to chat (mom to mom) if you want to get more help or just simply vent. Book me here (free of course). And yes, if you found this helpful, follow me on the Gram.
Over & Out
For the love of sleep
Divya x